The hardest part is the loneliness. When I was in elementary school, I was made fun of. A lot. I was often the butt of jokes, which taught me to smile when I wanted to cry and laugh when I wanted to yell. At school, I was surrounded by kids but I always felt alone.
When I got married, I got busier than normal. I was now responsible for a household, bills, and finishing school and if I had any free time, it was usually spent at home. My ex and I would argue any time I wanted to go out without him because he felt excluded. I was isolated, but thought it was ok because I was at least with him. And then my oldest daughter was born and I suddenly realized I didn't have the time or energy to parent both my husband and my daughter. I asked him for help. He instead chose to start an affair. Afterwards, he "came back" to me, but I still felt alone. One of the more telling things he said during this whole ordeal was to his mistress: "I don't care if I lose Becki, but I don't want to lose my kids. Don't tell her about us."
He lived with me, but he was never really there.
My kids are trying and take a lot of work, but they give me immense joy. That said, I have no one with whom to share that joy. My heart feels empty most days. I chose to get married because I didn't want to go through life alone. I wanted to share the things I loved with someone. But I chose a man who only loved himself, who chose to love only the things that he valued. And it turns out, I wasn't someone he valued.
So I'm lonely. I've been lonely going on 5 years. And loneliness is a common feeling for me.
They say you have to learn to be alone to be happy with someone else. I've learned loneliness for so long. I've given everything I have to another person, just to have it rejected and be replaced (twice in a row now). Both by people who promised to be there for me and take care of me.
I have to take care of myself. That's not a new lesson. But it gets harder and harder everyday to be alone.
Recently, I was reading up on my Facebook posts (I've been trying, with moderate success, to cut back on the time I waste, er, spend on social media) and a young friend of mine posted this beautiful post about how "what you focus on is what your life becomes" and "attitude is everything" and "the world is what you make of it". I've become somewhat of a cynic is my curmudgeonly age of 31, because when I read (and inevitably repost) those "inspirational" messages, I sometimes find myself laughing so hard I snort. This friend graduated college three years ago and just finished her first year teaching English to high school students. She is single and carefree with a dog who is "just like" her child, a very active social life, and about a zillion friends who like every time she posts a workout photo or a #Shakeology advertisement. And the thing is, I remember being her. I remember being young and not having worries, at least ...
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