Lonely

The hardest part is the loneliness. When I was in elementary school, I was made fun of. A lot. I was often the butt of jokes, which taught me to smile when I wanted to cry and laugh when I wanted to yell. At school, I was surrounded by kids but I always felt alone.
When I got married, I got busier than normal. I was now responsible for a household, bills, and finishing school and if I had any free time, it was usually spent at home. My ex and I would argue any time I wanted to go out without him because he felt excluded. I was isolated, but thought it was ok because I was at least with him. And then my oldest daughter was born and I suddenly realized I didn't have the time or energy to parent both my husband and my daughter. I asked him for help. He instead chose to start an affair. Afterwards, he "came back" to me, but I still felt alone. One of the more telling things he said during this whole ordeal was to his mistress: "I don't care if I lose Becki, but I don't want to lose my kids. Don't tell her about us."
He lived with me, but he was never really there.
My kids are trying and take a lot of work, but they give me immense joy. That said, I have no one with whom to share that joy. My heart feels empty most days. I chose to get married because I didn't want to go through life alone. I wanted to share the things I loved with someone. But I chose a man who only loved himself, who chose to love only the things that he valued. And it turns out, I wasn't someone he valued.
So I'm lonely. I've been lonely going on 5 years. And loneliness is a common feeling for me.
They say you have to learn to be alone to be happy with someone else. I've learned loneliness for so long. I've given everything I have to another person, just to have it rejected and be replaced (twice in a row now). Both by people who promised to be there for me and take care of me.
I have to take care of myself. That's not a new lesson. But it gets harder and harder everyday to be alone.