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Money!

When I was little, we used to watch the TV Chipmunk Christmas special that my parents had recorded on VHS. In it, Alvin has a dream and yells out in his sleep, "Money! I need money!"
I feel you, Alvin. For nearly a year, with the exception of December, I have been solely responsible for paying the daycare costs of my daughters. Their dad refused to help. After all, it serves me right for filing for divorce.
Now I have a new baby and more expenses. But money isn't really my only problem. I was raised to be self reliant. The idea of depending on another person to take care of my needs, at my very core, terrifies me and outwardly makes me feel like a failure. When my oldest daughter wanted a TV for the apartment, I told her we couldn't afford it. She quipped, "It's Ok. Grandma will get us one" and I died a little bit inside. My children should be able to look to me if they need something and know that I can provide it.
So yesterday I applied for a part time job. I keep hitting walls when I try to get hired in my field, so maybe I'll have better luck staying where I am and adding hours in my spare (?) time. This has the added benefit of keeping me busy.
I do know that I can't let myself fail in this. My kids deserve to have the best I can give them. And I intend to give it to them.

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