How cliched, I know.
When I was young, I was not fussy about relationships. I was low maintenance if there ever was such a thing, in part because of my fierce independent (read: stubborn) streak and a complete aversion to frivolity. I was never the girl who got highlights in her hair and spent hours on clothes and makeup each morning. I shopped at thrift stores and went to school with my hair wet 50% of the time. My requirements for "boyfriend" material were that they hold my hand sometimes and be smart enough to talk to for hours on end. I didn't seek out the best looking, I didn't expect gifts or showering, I understood not being top priority and I didn't need someone to emotionally support me. I was a tough chick who could take care of herself, thank you very much.
It should come as no surprise then, that I married a man who allowed me to take care of everything in our lives. My teenage self would have loved that, being responsible for the house, the bills, the baby; (I was woman, hear me roar!) but the woman who suddenly found herself struggling to deal with it all alone and finally asking for help was staggered to find none. I shouldn't have been surprised, shocked, or hurt by the obvious outcome of my first and only marriage. But "should" is an ugly word. No, when you don't need or ask anything of someone, they comply beautifully, even when eventually you do need something. It wasn't his fault, really. I told him not to worry about me, so he didn't. I expected nothing of him, and nothing was what he gave.
Of course, even then I had a list of what the "perfect" man would be like. It always included things like, "creative", "artistic", "intelligent", "funny". I was a such a sucker. You see, none of those things really matter. What matters are the things that I didn't value at all.
In the wake of some pretty abysmal men who made the cut in my life, I have decided to set about devising a new list, so if I ever do stumble upon the dating world again, I know exactly what I need to look for. Here is what I came up with.
1) Integrity: This one is perhaps the hardest one to fulfill. Integrity is a rare quality in people, in my experience. Integrity means making a promise and keeping it. It means treating others with dignity, even if they may not deserve it. It requires acting with moral and ethical principles. Integrity means apologizing when one falls short of those principles. I'm not idealistic enough to believe that a person won't ever hurt me or make a mistake in judgment. Having integrity means owning those mistakes and trying to make up for them. Apologizing when feelings are hurt. Putting away pride and asking for forgiveness. Being honest. Doing the right thing even if no one sees it and refusing to do what's wrong even if no one ever finds out. Integrity is the ability to stand quiet before the whisper of your conscience and to be brave enough not to try to silence it, but to listen and learn from it.
2) Respect: Men, respect the women with whom you are privileged to be. If she is crying, don't tell her that she is overreacting or hormonal. If she is angry, don't tell her she is just looking for a fight. If she is begging you for something, for God's sake don't tell her that what she is asking is trivial or unimportant. If she's crying, hug her. If she's angry, listen to her. If she's asking for help, help her. If she works everyday to make your world a little better, a little easier, thank her. Speak kindly of her to others, instead of derisively. It's not rocket science; it's basic human decency and the woman you share your life with deserves at least that.
3) Accountability: This goes hand in hand with integrity. If you had a bad day, it isn't her fault; don't take it out on her. If something needs to be done, don't wait for her to do it for you. If you do something that you shouldn't do, 'fess up and face the consequences head on. Don't make excuses and point the finger at others for your choices. That's the clothing of cowardice, and it doesn't suit anyone.
4) Love: I'm not talking here about Disney love. I'm not discussing the pulse racing, face flushing, toes tingling love of literature or cinema. The love I'm looking for is the one found in the small, daily choices. The choice to help put away the laundry; the choice to take her out of the house when things are overwhelming her; the choice to look at her through eyes of love, not judgment; the choice to clean up the kitchen or empty the dishwasher; the choice to turn off the TV and listen to what she's saying; the choice to slow her down when life is going too fast; the choice to stay when you're angry and leave when she needs space; the choice to love her every minute, even when you don't like her at that moment.
5) Faith: Don't misunderstand this one. I don't want someone who just goes to church. I don't want someone who is openly devout; I don't want someone who sees religion as an elite club or a Sunday obligation. I want someone who sees with the eyes of faith. I want someone who has the confidence to know that everything will be alright because we are guided by a higher power. I want someone who will pray with me, stand by me, and model for me (and my children) what true faith looks like. Someone who treats every person with kindness and love. Someone who is brave enough to improve himself through a life of faith.
6) Humility: I want someone whose opinion of himself isn't the center of his world; someone who can admit to his own humanity and who can take criticism. Someone who doesn't have to be the best or the smartest, who doesn't care about "winning", but cares about others. Who doesn't think less of himself, but who thinks of himself less, and thinks of others more.
And barring all these "requirements", someone who will fall short of them time and time again, but keep trying, because his heart is good.
When I was young, I was not fussy about relationships. I was low maintenance if there ever was such a thing, in part because of my fierce independent (read: stubborn) streak and a complete aversion to frivolity. I was never the girl who got highlights in her hair and spent hours on clothes and makeup each morning. I shopped at thrift stores and went to school with my hair wet 50% of the time. My requirements for "boyfriend" material were that they hold my hand sometimes and be smart enough to talk to for hours on end. I didn't seek out the best looking, I didn't expect gifts or showering, I understood not being top priority and I didn't need someone to emotionally support me. I was a tough chick who could take care of herself, thank you very much.
It should come as no surprise then, that I married a man who allowed me to take care of everything in our lives. My teenage self would have loved that, being responsible for the house, the bills, the baby; (I was woman, hear me roar!) but the woman who suddenly found herself struggling to deal with it all alone and finally asking for help was staggered to find none. I shouldn't have been surprised, shocked, or hurt by the obvious outcome of my first and only marriage. But "should" is an ugly word. No, when you don't need or ask anything of someone, they comply beautifully, even when eventually you do need something. It wasn't his fault, really. I told him not to worry about me, so he didn't. I expected nothing of him, and nothing was what he gave.
Of course, even then I had a list of what the "perfect" man would be like. It always included things like, "creative", "artistic", "intelligent", "funny". I was a such a sucker. You see, none of those things really matter. What matters are the things that I didn't value at all.
In the wake of some pretty abysmal men who made the cut in my life, I have decided to set about devising a new list, so if I ever do stumble upon the dating world again, I know exactly what I need to look for. Here is what I came up with.
1) Integrity: This one is perhaps the hardest one to fulfill. Integrity is a rare quality in people, in my experience. Integrity means making a promise and keeping it. It means treating others with dignity, even if they may not deserve it. It requires acting with moral and ethical principles. Integrity means apologizing when one falls short of those principles. I'm not idealistic enough to believe that a person won't ever hurt me or make a mistake in judgment. Having integrity means owning those mistakes and trying to make up for them. Apologizing when feelings are hurt. Putting away pride and asking for forgiveness. Being honest. Doing the right thing even if no one sees it and refusing to do what's wrong even if no one ever finds out. Integrity is the ability to stand quiet before the whisper of your conscience and to be brave enough not to try to silence it, but to listen and learn from it.
2) Respect: Men, respect the women with whom you are privileged to be. If she is crying, don't tell her that she is overreacting or hormonal. If she is angry, don't tell her she is just looking for a fight. If she is begging you for something, for God's sake don't tell her that what she is asking is trivial or unimportant. If she's crying, hug her. If she's angry, listen to her. If she's asking for help, help her. If she works everyday to make your world a little better, a little easier, thank her. Speak kindly of her to others, instead of derisively. It's not rocket science; it's basic human decency and the woman you share your life with deserves at least that.
3) Accountability: This goes hand in hand with integrity. If you had a bad day, it isn't her fault; don't take it out on her. If something needs to be done, don't wait for her to do it for you. If you do something that you shouldn't do, 'fess up and face the consequences head on. Don't make excuses and point the finger at others for your choices. That's the clothing of cowardice, and it doesn't suit anyone.
4) Love: I'm not talking here about Disney love. I'm not discussing the pulse racing, face flushing, toes tingling love of literature or cinema. The love I'm looking for is the one found in the small, daily choices. The choice to help put away the laundry; the choice to take her out of the house when things are overwhelming her; the choice to look at her through eyes of love, not judgment; the choice to clean up the kitchen or empty the dishwasher; the choice to turn off the TV and listen to what she's saying; the choice to slow her down when life is going too fast; the choice to stay when you're angry and leave when she needs space; the choice to love her every minute, even when you don't like her at that moment.
5) Faith: Don't misunderstand this one. I don't want someone who just goes to church. I don't want someone who is openly devout; I don't want someone who sees religion as an elite club or a Sunday obligation. I want someone who sees with the eyes of faith. I want someone who has the confidence to know that everything will be alright because we are guided by a higher power. I want someone who will pray with me, stand by me, and model for me (and my children) what true faith looks like. Someone who treats every person with kindness and love. Someone who is brave enough to improve himself through a life of faith.
6) Humility: I want someone whose opinion of himself isn't the center of his world; someone who can admit to his own humanity and who can take criticism. Someone who doesn't have to be the best or the smartest, who doesn't care about "winning", but cares about others. Who doesn't think less of himself, but who thinks of himself less, and thinks of others more.
And barring all these "requirements", someone who will fall short of them time and time again, but keep trying, because his heart is good.
Amen. And someone who draws out these sane traits in me please
ReplyDeleteAmen. And someone who draws out these sane traits in me please
ReplyDelete