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How to Not Suck at Dating Sites

I'm a single gal. So even though I'm about as emotionally available as an avocado, I do have a dating profile on both Match.com and eHarmony.com. Occasionally, my brain has said, "I think you are ready to jump back into the dating pool!" and I end up wasting $100 on 6 months of service and going on exactly zero dates. However, I browse around, like a kid in the produce aisle, looking for something that might be moderately appealing and friends, I'm here to tell you that you can do better. Come on, guys. Your profiles are awful. I may not want to date right now, but I can tell you what makes me think you are interesting and what makes me not want to touch you with a ten foot pole.

So, from me to you, here are some tips on getting dates (and possibly even finding true love). * Feel free to bookmark this and take notes.

1) The Picture: I'm going to drop a hard truth bomb on you right now, fellas. She wants to see what you look like. What you really look like. You know what doesn't convey that? Selfies. When I'm browsing through, I want to see someone who is with other people, doing something he enjoys. 
Being goofy with your friend? Yes. At your sister's wedding? Thumb's up, buddy. Standing in the bathroom trying to pose in front of the mirror, the camera awkwardly held in your right hand? DELETE THAT PICTURE NOW. 
When you are with people, you come off as normal or fun or smart or good at catching really little fish. When you are by yourself, you look like a creeper whose idea of a good time is finding the right angle so the light doesn't glare off the glass shower door. I envision a trail of Dorito crumbs and clothes behind that bathroom door, and possibly an alcove where you can hang all the candid, unsolicited pictures you took of me walking to my car. Ok, maybe not that bad, but when you're in the scary world of internet dating, lonely selfies are just a bad idea, no matter how much you dig your own smolder. 

2) The Description:  "I'm just a down to earth guy who likes to have fun and is looking for a girl who wants to have fun, too. My family and friends are very important to me, and I just want someone to share my life with."
That's 85% of the profiles I've read. Right there. Almost verbatim. People suck at describing themselves. No one believes you, even if it is true. Try adding a little panache. Tell a joke. Give me a story that describes your personality. What's your best story to tell when you are in a gathering with new people? As Robin Williams says in "Dead Poet's Society", "Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do."
Be a little vulnerable. Tell me about your Grandma's chocolate chip cookies or your uncle's uncanny ability to embarrass himself in any circumstance.
If you aren't going to risk making a fool of yourself in front of thousands of women to see via the public sphere of internet-dom, then what's the point? I can't work with you if all you're going to give me is milquetoast.

3) Grammar: Ok, maybe most people don't care about this, but I swear to all that is good and holy, proofread your profile. For the love of Christmas, do not confuse "to", "too", and "two". If you use "loose" when you mean "lose" or say "could of" instead of "could have", there will be no date. Don't let yourself look like an uneducated idiot. Now, if you decide not to use the Oxford comma, or you say "affect" when you mean "effect", I can look the other way. I mean, nobody is perfect and I can work with that. But if you can't copy your paragraph into word and do a proofread for errors, I don't hold out much hope that you can help me with the laundry in the future (not that I would ever make you do that...) And I will literally permanently hide your profile if you use "literally" when you mean "figuratively", even if they did change the definition in the dictionary, because, well, you should just know better.
Also, do not pretend this is texting. WTF or IDK = NO.**

4) Don't Lie: I know we all bend the truth and withhold information. After all, no one likes TMI's and I don't need to know that your last relationship went down in flames because you have really strong feelings about the tuna to mayonnaise ratio in your tuna salad. However, if I read "I have a really dry sense of humor. I love intelligent conversation, but also like to laugh." and then I check out your favorite TV shows and see "Two and a Half Men", I know you are lying to me. Let's be clear. A dry sense of humor does not include male genitalia, bodily functions, or misogyny. 
Be genuine. If you like stupid humor, tell me. I don't like stupid humor, but maybe that other girl does (I know her, she's an awesome friend of mine, I'll hook you up) and being insincere is just going to set you up for failure when we go out the first time and you giggle and order a "Fa- jy- ta."

5) Don't oversell: "I'm ambitious, driven, and always give 110%". Newsflash: This is not a job interview. I don't want you to tell me all about your master's degrees and your marketable qualities. I also don't want to know how great of a lover you are, how you are a grade A master chef, or that you work out 4 times a week to stay in shape.
I don't care if you own 100 acres and a huge mansion on the shores of Waikiki. That will be a nice bonus to find out later. When you puff yourself up, it comes off as, at best arrogant, and at worst desperate over compensation. Plus, I'm already skeptical. 

Guys, it isn't rocket science. Remember how you always wanted to meet someone? Spontaneously? Doing something you enjoyed? Pretend you are out there, doing that thing, and that woman you want to introduce yourself to just came up and said, "Hey, I'm Laverne, it's nice to meet you." What would you say to her? (Other than, "Well, that's a....different....name.") Sincerity and character are such rare findings; if you can offer them to someone, she may just want to make you hers. And those qualities should be way easier to fake when you get to write them down under partial anonymity.

*Disclaimer : I am a highly cynical and incredibly unromantic person. Any and all advice contained here is completely hypothetical and based on my limited experience and knowledge, so follow at your own risk.

**This reason alone is why I never set up dates via dating sites.

Bonus: The Screen Name
Do not under any circumstances use "lonely", "looking for love", "stud", "cool" or any other lame adjective in your screen name. Don't be that guy.

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