One is a lonely number. But so is 2 when the other person is a toddler. I'm missing my little girls tonight and all week. Most days, I just pray to God that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to hold my children in my arms every night like I used to.
For a few months, from September until Christmas, God gave me that gift. Their dad was going to move to Idaho and for four wonderful months, I watched my girls' anxiety ebb. I watched the light come back into their faces. I watched them become calm and secure. While their dad worked on getting ready to sell the house and move two states away, they began to know what to expect. They smiled and laughed with confidence, not uncertainty. When they saw their dad, they came home to me bubbling with excitement and happy to crawl into their beds and kiss their mommy good night. They knew where home was. And they were happy.
He didn't move. He decided to stay. He said he wanted to go back to uprooting them on a weekly basis. I asked him to reconsider. He would not. So I'm sending out a prayer to the universe tonight (and every night since then), to return them home to me.
They need their father in their lives. I am open and understanding of that and want that for my girls. But every few weeks or months, he wants a change; and the inconsistency of a week on/week off schedule, coupled with the chaos of his house and continual change in his living arrangements is too much for them to process. Sometimes I don't know how many more days I can watch them act out, cover up their hurt and confusion with activity and distraction - they can't be still because they don't trust the world around them. I know that feeling all too well.
So if you are reading this and you are the kind who prays, say a prayer for my children tonight.
I know they could have it much worse. But it could be so much better. And a mother always wants what is best, not what is merely acceptable.
For a few months, from September until Christmas, God gave me that gift. Their dad was going to move to Idaho and for four wonderful months, I watched my girls' anxiety ebb. I watched the light come back into their faces. I watched them become calm and secure. While their dad worked on getting ready to sell the house and move two states away, they began to know what to expect. They smiled and laughed with confidence, not uncertainty. When they saw their dad, they came home to me bubbling with excitement and happy to crawl into their beds and kiss their mommy good night. They knew where home was. And they were happy.
He didn't move. He decided to stay. He said he wanted to go back to uprooting them on a weekly basis. I asked him to reconsider. He would not. So I'm sending out a prayer to the universe tonight (and every night since then), to return them home to me.
They need their father in their lives. I am open and understanding of that and want that for my girls. But every few weeks or months, he wants a change; and the inconsistency of a week on/week off schedule, coupled with the chaos of his house and continual change in his living arrangements is too much for them to process. Sometimes I don't know how many more days I can watch them act out, cover up their hurt and confusion with activity and distraction - they can't be still because they don't trust the world around them. I know that feeling all too well.
So if you are reading this and you are the kind who prays, say a prayer for my children tonight.
I know they could have it much worse. But it could be so much better. And a mother always wants what is best, not what is merely acceptable.
Comments
Post a Comment