Let me be clear. I chose to be a single mom. I did not choose single motherhood because it was my ideal; far from it. I chose it because I decided that my children deserved to have a mother who respected herself enough to walk away from something that was damaging her. Single motherhood, I've learned, means a lot of things. I don't know if other mothers have the same experiences or feelings that I do, because we are all different and we all have our own struggles. That said, here are some truths about my life as a single mom:
1) The kids come first: Truly, they always have. Before the career, before the social life, before anything, the kids come first. Perfect attendance at work? Enough sleep at night? Active social life or relationships? No one is going to stay home with your sick child except you; no one is going to say, "let me take the kids while you have a few drinks with your friends". In my situation, this was my reality anyway, but it doesn't change the fact that single parenthood means that it's no longer ever about you. It is always about them.
2) Sleep is for suckers: My brain is conditioned that even on the extraordinarily rare occasion that all three of my children sleep entirely through the night (come to think of it, that has never happened), I still wake up periodically through the night expecting them to be awake. On that note.....
3) You will never sleep alone: I have always had a fierce bond with my children. When I went through the divorce, that bond deepened with the loss of some of my precious time with them. My daughters liked to sleep in my bed before all of this craziness ensued. Now, there is no way in hell that they will sleep in their own beds, and while it is frustrating at times, particularly when they take up the whole bed, I wouldn't have it any other way. They give me comfort being next to me. My children are a part of my being that is missing when they are away and nothing gives me (or them) more joy and fulfillment than snuggling together in bed and waking up next to each other. They have all of my love and they know it.
4) Trust? What's that? I don't trust people around my kids. Maybe it's because I've been burned, but I've become much more protective of them in the last 18 months. You got to meet my kids? Lucky you. You want to start seeing them all the time? No way. No. Not even close. You better be willing to take me to the altar before you are going to create a significant relationship with my kids. They've had their hearts broken already and I'll be damned if that happens again. Casual flings need not apply.
5) You will always be exhausted: This is partly because of the sleep thing and partly because of the kids come first thing, but also because you are IT. The sole provider. The one who takes care of the house, the clothes, the dishes, the yard, the bills, the organization of everything, doctor's appointments, school meetings, extra-curricular activities, and by the way, you have to go to work with energy and zeal and remember to pick up toothpaste. Which basically means that....
6) You will feel like a failure a minimum of 17 times a day: "I'm not spending enough quality time with my kids." "I'm not doing well enough at work." "My house is too messy." "The dishes aren't done...again." "Crap! I have to do laundry or I won't have clothes tomorrow." "I forgot about that meeting...again!" "There is no gas in the car." "I haven't cleaned in over 6 weeks (months, years)." "I yelled at my toddler again." "Why can't I keep my shit together?"
7) You are incredible. One day, my washing machine broke. The tub was completely filled with water, so I Googled how to drain it. While I was letting the water drain into a bucket, I looked down at baby boy, who was watching me intently from his bouncy seat, and I had a moment of pride. He is going to watch me. My children will always be watching me. They will watch me fix the washing machine, change the lightbulbs, and put together the furniture. If I succeed, they will know they can succeed, too. My kids will watch me struggle, cry and break down. They will watch me stand back up and shoulder the responsibility of two parents. They will watch me work hard and love harder. They will know that they are capable of anything the world throws at them because their mother is there to love them and support them no matter what. You are a role model, the best one they will have. Their little eyes will watch you pray, watch you persevere, and watch you believe in life. That's pretty amazing. You go, girl.
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