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Puzzle Pieces

Tonight I'll crawl into my lonely bed. I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to get the baby to stay in his crib, and part of that comes down to the simple fact that my children bring me comfort.
I was the kid who always wanted to be near someone. I slept in my mom's bed many nights when my dad was working shift-work, and even in high school, sometimes I'd take my blanket and pillow into their room and sleep on the floor. So while being alone during the day is something of a joy for me, nighttime is a different story.
Tomorrow night, my little lovelies will be spending the night with me. Oh, how I miss them when they are gone.
Sometimes I feel like I have all of these little pieces of my heart floating around without me. Three of them belong to my children, so when my girls are gone, I ache for them.
And one big piece belongs to Baby boy's dad and I'm trying to figure out how to remedy that. No take-backs, I guess. I never gave my heart to my ex-husband, not totally. And what I did give, I'm sure I took back when my oldest daughter was little and he began to make it clear to me that I was alone, even though he was physically in the house with me (sometimes). But baby boy's dad....I think it's safe to say he was my first real love. I threw myself into him with such longing and entrusted him with my whole self so completely. I saw him today. He will move on and be ok. His wife loves him and he is giving her his all. Even so, when I'm in the room with him, I feel a little more complete, just being in the presence of that piece of my heart.
Kind of like my kids. When they are in my bed, I feel like the pieces of my heart that they own are nearer to me, and I feel more whole.
What a broken world I live in. I guess I'll just have to skip around those missing pieces and hope as I add more to the puzzle that is my life, that those holes will eventually seem smaller.

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