Empty Bed, Full Heart- A Single Mother's Journey

It is the end of the year. My dear puppy is sleeping peacefully next to me and I just made the horrible decision to eat TWO bowls of froyo. It's frozen yogurt, so it's healthier than ice cream, right? RIGHT?? On that vein, I have some pretty great New Year's Resolutions to fail at this year. Here they are. 1) I'm going to start eating healthier. It seems that my steady diet of fast food, no breakfast, and coffee has not been giving me the kind of relentless energy I need to satisfactorily make it through my day. Vegetables are apparently a "thing", so I am going to start taking my own advice and actually preparing myself real food for lunch instead of just running through DQ at 2:00 pm and eating chicken strips and a sundae. I'm also going to start drinking water all the time. My good (only) friend knows that I am probably severely dehydrated. I'mma make that girl proud of me this year. 2) Running. Last summer, I started running. It felt good. ...

Well, here it is, November, and I haven't written a word since April. Not that it hasn't occurred to me. I was busy working and somewhat enjoying my "summer break" and then school started again and BAM, ice and snow everywhere. Luckily for the 12 people who read this blog, today I drank an extra large cup of caramel macchiato from the local gas station at four o clock in the afternoon, so I am ready to write. Besides the copious amount of caffeine I've consumed, the major inspiration for this post is actually something that has been rattling around in my head for sometime now. Maybe it's because I spend a lot of time sitting around feeling sorry for myself (hahahahaha! Time. See, it's a joke because I actually have no time ever. See: opening sentence) but mostly it's because it's pretty personal and I have a hard time bringing it up without feeling like a total Debbie Downer pity-party, complete with cheese and whine (not the good wine that I li...

Today was Palm Sunday. Every Sunday I truck my kids to Mass, and it seems no matter how hard I try, I always end up being 5-10 minutes late. It drives me crazy. It's difficult to accept that I have limitations, but for my own sanity, I have learned to accept it. Palm Sunday is, however, its own kind of crazy. Here's how it went: At 7:00 am, my darling children awoke me as per usual by crawling all over me, jumping on my stomach, putting their elbows in my face, and in general, treating me like the human jungle-gym that I am. I dragged myself out of bed and changed baby boy's poo filled atrocity, ran downstairs to grab clothes from the dryer and came back upstairs. "Mommy, can I do a craft?" "Sure, baby." "Mama! Me eat!" Get breakfast. "Mamamamamamamamamamamamama!!!!" Pick up baby boy. Clean up breakfast. Clean up glue. Yes, that's a lovely picture of us. "Mommy, how do you spell your name?" Get two year old...

So yes, I believe that a working, single mother can have professional ambitions, too. Today, I met with my principal to discuss professional goals, and I have a few points to make right away that I think merit some recognition here. First, my principal (and this job, in general) is quite possibly the number one thing that saved me from living a life of destitution after my son was born. The past two years of my life has been an exercise in just how much violent change a person can endure, which, you may be surprised to find out, is actually quite a lot. Through my "barely making it through" days, he has been supportive and understanding in ways I can only describe as superhuman. For that, I am eternally grateful. My confidence has taken about a million hits (rough estimation), and to have an administrator that stands back and says, "I know you can do this" and then gives me the time, space, and support to be successful, is immeasurably valuable. My gratitude can...

As my brood grew, I had some rude awakenings when it came to my expectations of myself for the kind of parent I wanted to be. For example, food, with my children progressed like this: Child One: Exclusively Breastfed- no formula for this crunchy baby! Homemade, all natural, organic baby food First foods- veggies; no crackers, chips, cookies, ice cream, candy, mac n cheese, etc No juice Child Two: Exclusively breastfed, with a tiny bit of formula when mommy is away Homemade baby food First foods- fruits; some "healthy-ish" mac n cheese, convenience dinners, and little tastes of treats Juice cut with water Child Three: Breastfed- Formula as needed Rice cereal from a box, purchased baby food  First foods- whatever he'll eat; french fries are a vegetable, right? Juice is a now a staple. The lifestyle choices I made for them were to reflect the best studies that show that one on one interaction, hands-on activities, music, singing, dan...

Let me be clear. I chose to be a single mom. I did not choose single motherhood because it was my ideal; far from it. I chose it because I decided that my children deserved to have a mother who respected herself enough to walk away from something that was damaging her. Single motherhood, I've learned, means a lot of things. I don't know if other mothers have the same experiences or feelings that I do, because we are all different and we all have our own struggles. That said, here are some truths about my life as a single mom: 1) The kids come first:  Truly, they always have. Before the career, before the social life, before anything, the kids come first. Perfect attendance at work? Enough sleep at night? Active social life or relationships? No one is going to stay home with your sick child except you; no one is going to say, "let me take the kids while you have a few drinks with your friends". In my situation, this was my reality anyway, but it doesn't change th...

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, which means a few things for a Catholic girl like me. 1) Today was Mardi Gras!! I did absolutely nothing ridiculous for the occasion and I didn't even eat a ton of meat or candy. Fail. I was also shocked to find out that not a SINGLE one of my students had any idea what the heck Mardi Gras even was. "Um. A party?" YES. Yes, my child, one of the biggest worldwide parties in existence. So we listened to Iko Iko in the background and some Louis Armstrong, When the Saints Go Marching In, and I felt like I'd fulfilled a moral duty to the future leaders of America. 2) I need to come up with a penance for Lent. I didn't have one last year. I tried giving up coffee, but that didn't get very far. This year I'd like to come back to my faith. I feel like I've been wandering alone for a long time and maybe if I can rekindle my love for my faith, I'll start to feel more like myself again. I'll get back my energy and my des...

Last night, the Oscars were on. John Travolta called Idina Menzel "Adele Nazeem", Jennifer Lawrence did all kinds of awesome-ly real things in a world of fake-ry, and I was passed out at 8:20 pm, missing it all. My friend Deanna and I were joking about how neither of us had seen any of the movies except Frozen. I remember watching the Oscars and being legitimately pissed when my favorite movie didn't win. Now, though I think it's tragic that Leo hasn't won an Oscar yet, I couldn't really tell you much about any of the movies nominated. Nor do I care to. I have so little time to watch movies, that it doesn't even really appeal to me. And the world is so full of heavy, hard, serious things, that if I do watch a movie, I want it to be vapidly appealing, uplifting, inspiring, escapism. Lying in bed with my daughters as they fell asleep, my heart felt so full. At 2:00 am, baby boy woke up, and as I watched him nurse, I kept thinking how very lucky I am to ha...

Today I took little man in to the doctor for his 9 month check up and shots. Terribl(y adorable) two tagged along and she was a hoot and a half. Normally, people who know me would think I was being sarcastic, but no, she actually was really hilarious. First, we walked into the doctor's office, which, as most pediatric/family doctor's offices are, was adorned with little elements of whimsy. There were little dog and cat wall clings, a few toys, and lace butterflies hanging from the ceiling. As we entered, my darling little girl looked up, cooed and said, "Wow! Cool!" She pointed at one decal of a dog sporting a purple baseball hat, shook her head and giggled. "Dog dog HAT? Silly dog, dog." Sense of humor, check. At another point, we were waiting for the nurses to come back with the vaccines and she kept peeking out the doorway; every time someone would come down the hall she'd gasp and duck back inside, then put her hands over her mouth and giggle. The...

Today was one of those, "crap! crappity crap!" kind of days. Not that it was bad. No. But I suddenly was inundated with things I had forgotten I needed to do. My day started out at 6:15 am, when I casually hit the snooze and went back to sleep. This is a terrible habit that I need to break myself of as soon as possible. I feel like I'm trying to trick my body into thinking it got more sleep than it did. (Me: See, body! You went to sleep 8 times last night! You must have gotten a restful night. Body: Um. No.) So then I casually get up around 7 am, took my sweet, relaxed time getting ready, nursed Henry a little bit and was just about to eat a yogurt for breakfast, when my phone beeped that B had to bring show-and-tell and a snack to school. I grabbed her little stuffed hippo, shoved H into his snowsuit (poor kid) and ran out the door like an old-fashioned cartoon. Seriously, I think I heard a tinkle tinkle, whoosh and saw dust clouds behind me. Instead of getting to sch...

I want to share a message my friend sent me the other day. Out of the blue, my phone beeped and this is what I found: You are my mom hero-you rock. Every time I am tired from work, cooking and chores.... I think, Becki does this on her own with 3 little ones. You are amazing. Most days, I don't feel amazing. Most days I'm tired and overly critical of myself. Most days, I feel like I've failed my kids 100 different ways. Most days, I end up crying in bed or silently scolding myself for sitting down instead of finishing all the things that need to be done. But some days, I think that I can do it. I know that I can do it. And I have a very small amount of pride that I am making it, against all odds. I couldn't do it without all the help and love and support from my family and friends, that is a guarantee. When I read that message, all I could think was that I hope other mothers out there who are struggling know that their strength is inspiring others. Single mothers ar...

I'm poor. Financially, I make less than what is necessary for me to take care of myself and my three children. But, dammit,I'm good at money management. My recent problem is that money management takes time, and since I had to go back to work, I'm also bankrupt in that department too. Talking about goals, one of the things I worked very hard for that was completely annihilated by the divorce was to be debt free. When I left my ex, every bill I had ever incurred was paid off in full- except the house. But after sabotaging my job, refusing to pay child care until the divorce was final and he was court ordered to, and playing expensive psychological and emotional games with my health- in addition to the divorce costs, I also found myself using my credit card to survive, even with extensive help from my parents. Well, now I have a job that pays me a livable wage, but only IF I can get these bills eliminated. Super budgeting me has to take the time. So here are my financial g...

Tonight I'll crawl into my lonely bed. I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to get the baby to stay in his crib, and part of that comes down to the simple fact that my children bring me comfort. I was the kid who always wanted to be near someone. I slept in my mom's bed many nights when my dad was working shift-work, and even in high school, sometimes I'd take my blanket and pillow into their room and sleep on the floor. So while being alone during the day is something of a joy for me, nighttime is a different story. Tomorrow night, my little lovelies will be spending the night with me. Oh, how I miss them when they are gone. Sometimes I feel like I have all of these little pieces of my heart floating around without me. Three of them belong to my children, so when my girls are gone, I ache for them. And one big piece belongs to Baby boy's dad and I'm trying to figure out how to remedy that. No take-backs, I guess. I never gave my heart to my ex-husband, not totally. ...

Ah, those days of backsliding. Questions, questions, questions, that you know that even if you got the answers to them, it wouldn't take the edge off of the pain. Baby H is gently nursing and snoozing in my lap. He's such a blessing. Truly. I often think that I don't know how I would've survived any of this, except that I know how much he needs me and how beautiful he is. Everything happens for a reason, they say, and I struggled with that saying for a long time. Really? God put me through this on purpose? It sure as hell wasn't making my life easier, better, richer. It wasn't helping my girls. The worst thing that could happen continually was happening, every time, no matter how hard I tried to make up for what I'd done. And then I'd make a mistake again and....my ex used to say he believed in disproportionate justice. If someone (including our children) acts in an undesirable way, the best way to get them under control was to immediately enact dispr...