What are you waiting for?

I've never been a particularly patient person. Lately, I feel like I'm always waiting for something. What am I waiting for? For answers, for direction, for change, for relief, for help, for understanding? For motivation? For peace, for calm, for assurance? For all of the above?

Life seems like an endless game of waiting. Waiting for bedtime. Waiting for the end of the day. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting for this or that to be over. Waiting for this or that to begin. Always and ever moving on to the next thing and the next thing. The present moment wished away because surely the next moment will be better. Tomorrow will be better. The weekend will be better. Summer will be better. Something that's unclear will become clear if only I just keep waiting.

But I think sometimes the moment holds the answers that we continue to put off. The trick is that it's hard to sit still in this moment. It's hard to give up the anticipation of what's coming and immerse oneself in what already is. I fall into the trap of believing that something, somewhere, or someone else is better than the something, somewhere or someone that's right in front of me. When I sit still in this moment, my anxiety skyrockets. Everything I am fights the moment so that I only want desperately for it to pass, until all the moments are nothing but a rushing wind flying by, indistinguishable colors and shapes.

Is this what I want my life to be? When do I stop and finally demand from the moment, instead of procrastinating, wishing for the future by forfeiting my life, moment by moment.

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