Empty Bed, Full Heart- A Single Mother's Journey

Today I took little man in to the doctor for his 9 month check up and shots. Terribl(y adorable) two tagged along and she was a hoot and a half. Normally, people who know me would think I was being sarcastic, but no, she actually was really hilarious. First, we walked into the doctor's office, which, as most pediatric/family doctor's offices are, was adorned with little elements of whimsy. There were little dog and cat wall clings, a few toys, and lace butterflies hanging from the ceiling. As we entered, my darling little girl looked up, cooed and said, "Wow! Cool!" She pointed at one decal of a dog sporting a purple baseball hat, shook her head and giggled. "Dog dog HAT? Silly dog, dog." Sense of humor, check. At another point, we were waiting for the nurses to come back with the vaccines and she kept peeking out the doorway; every time someone would come down the hall she'd gasp and duck back inside, then put her hands over her mouth and giggle. The...

Today was one of those, "crap! crappity crap!" kind of days. Not that it was bad. No. But I suddenly was inundated with things I had forgotten I needed to do. My day started out at 6:15 am, when I casually hit the snooze and went back to sleep. This is a terrible habit that I need to break myself of as soon as possible. I feel like I'm trying to trick my body into thinking it got more sleep than it did. (Me: See, body! You went to sleep 8 times last night! You must have gotten a restful night. Body: Um. No.) So then I casually get up around 7 am, took my sweet, relaxed time getting ready, nursed Henry a little bit and was just about to eat a yogurt for breakfast, when my phone beeped that B had to bring show-and-tell and a snack to school. I grabbed her little stuffed hippo, shoved H into his snowsuit (poor kid) and ran out the door like an old-fashioned cartoon. Seriously, I think I heard a tinkle tinkle, whoosh and saw dust clouds behind me. Instead of getting to sch...

I want to share a message my friend sent me the other day. Out of the blue, my phone beeped and this is what I found: You are my mom hero-you rock. Every time I am tired from work, cooking and chores.... I think, Becki does this on her own with 3 little ones. You are amazing. Most days, I don't feel amazing. Most days I'm tired and overly critical of myself. Most days, I feel like I've failed my kids 100 different ways. Most days, I end up crying in bed or silently scolding myself for sitting down instead of finishing all the things that need to be done. But some days, I think that I can do it. I know that I can do it. And I have a very small amount of pride that I am making it, against all odds. I couldn't do it without all the help and love and support from my family and friends, that is a guarantee. When I read that message, all I could think was that I hope other mothers out there who are struggling know that their strength is inspiring others. Single mothers ar...

I'm poor. Financially, I make less than what is necessary for me to take care of myself and my three children. But, dammit,I'm good at money management. My recent problem is that money management takes time, and since I had to go back to work, I'm also bankrupt in that department too. Talking about goals, one of the things I worked very hard for that was completely annihilated by the divorce was to be debt free. When I left my ex, every bill I had ever incurred was paid off in full- except the house. But after sabotaging my job, refusing to pay child care until the divorce was final and he was court ordered to, and playing expensive psychological and emotional games with my health- in addition to the divorce costs, I also found myself using my credit card to survive, even with extensive help from my parents. Well, now I have a job that pays me a livable wage, but only IF I can get these bills eliminated. Super budgeting me has to take the time. So here are my financial g...

Tonight I'll crawl into my lonely bed. I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to get the baby to stay in his crib, and part of that comes down to the simple fact that my children bring me comfort. I was the kid who always wanted to be near someone. I slept in my mom's bed many nights when my dad was working shift-work, and even in high school, sometimes I'd take my blanket and pillow into their room and sleep on the floor. So while being alone during the day is something of a joy for me, nighttime is a different story. Tomorrow night, my little lovelies will be spending the night with me. Oh, how I miss them when they are gone. Sometimes I feel like I have all of these little pieces of my heart floating around without me. Three of them belong to my children, so when my girls are gone, I ache for them. And one big piece belongs to Baby boy's dad and I'm trying to figure out how to remedy that. No take-backs, I guess. I never gave my heart to my ex-husband, not totally. ...

Ah, those days of backsliding. Questions, questions, questions, that you know that even if you got the answers to them, it wouldn't take the edge off of the pain. Baby H is gently nursing and snoozing in my lap. He's such a blessing. Truly. I often think that I don't know how I would've survived any of this, except that I know how much he needs me and how beautiful he is. Everything happens for a reason, they say, and I struggled with that saying for a long time. Really? God put me through this on purpose? It sure as hell wasn't making my life easier, better, richer. It wasn't helping my girls. The worst thing that could happen continually was happening, every time, no matter how hard I tried to make up for what I'd done. And then I'd make a mistake again and....my ex used to say he believed in disproportionate justice. If someone (including our children) acts in an undesirable way, the best way to get them under control was to immediately enact dispr...